Your Superficial 2012 Summer Blockbuster Preview

9 05 2012

So this is it?  I perform a few sexual favors and a film gig at The Off Duty Mime is all I have to show for it?

This is likely to be the shortest tenure of any blogger next to Mel Gibson’s two-day run as Mt. Horeb Hebrew College’s Opinion columnist.  What better way to start this digital train ride to Hell than with a preview of the best part of summer, recreational drug use?  So without further ado, something something blockbusters:

The Avengers (May 4, 2012)


Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 may have technically been the first superhero team-up film, but the Marvel big wigs naively assumed they could do us one better.  Thus, The Avengers was born, a celluloidal testament to the rugged, cleavaged comic book madness presently smothering America in its bosom.  If producer Stan Lee makes a surprise Independent Party bid for the 2012 Presidential election, you heard it here first.

Fans of any preceding Marvel films–or at the very least, people who’d like to see Tony Stark crack quips about Sam Jackson’s eye patch–should get a kick out of what promises to be the most annoying story of the summer.

Yes, it’s already out in theaters.  Yes, it’s already broken box office records.  And yes, chances are you’ve already seen it.  No, of course that doesn’t matter.  So put down the Teddy Grahams, dip out of mom’s Boggle tournament early, and do whatever you must to add yet another freshly-pressed Hamilton to comic book hegemony’s ever-expanding mound of green.  Quickly, slaves. Quickly.

Battleship (May 18, 2012)

Friday Night Lights’ showrunner Peter Berg created not just the greatest televised sports drama of all time but also one of the best television shows in the last decade.  It only makes sense then that he take the next logical step in adapting Hasbro’s devastatingly irrelevant 1940’s board game to the big screen.

As an extremely diminished consolation, the studio was smart enough to procure the more relevant additions of Rihanna and Brooklyn’s Deckers, which, quite honestly might be this film’s only chance of not driving its audience members to repeatedly stab themselves in their ear drums with ice picks.

It’s also worth noting that Battleshit promises to be the opening salvo in a wave of board game film franchises and their inevitable death march to a theater near you.  So the chances of us getting that gritty Keanu Reeves thriller, Power Lunch, may be dependent on who actually goes to see this thing.

Please bear that in mind.

Men in Black III (May 25, 2012)

1997’s Men in Black — also known as the one without Johnny Knoxville — remains a standout experiment of blended science-fiction and comedy.  It’s as much Fresh Prince as it is Ghostbusters for the late 90’s cynic.  But as far as the Willennium’s relevance in 2012 goes, it’s a tough call.  Although hard to believe, Smith hasn’t starred in a film since 2008’s Seven Pounds, which I haven’t seen but presume chronicles either the greatest coke party ever thrown or the poorest man in all of Great Britain.

Even if we [insert obvious neuralizer joke here], there’s enough to like with the additions of Josh Brolin, Flight of the Conchords’ Jemaine Clement, and the one and only Alice Eve.  That is, unless Barry Sonnenfield decides in a pivotal plot twist that Eve is actually an android whose breasts are secretly powered by a pair of earth-conquering dwarf aliens.

Per iMDb, Nicole Scherzinger is also set to grace moviegoers with her plentiful talents (read: none), so that, at the very least, ought to please the large contingent of you who have been clamoring for a Pussy Cat Dolls/Hitchhiker’s Guide mashup.

Piranha 3DD (June 1, 2012)

The term “money shot” in action filmmaking tends not to mean what you’re probably thinking right now.  In the case of Piranha 3DD, it’s exactly what you’re thinking right now, and if that trailer is any indication, this promises to be a boatload of D-grade acting from a slew of overreaching porn stars.

Having seen 2010’s predecessor and decidedly less boobier, Piranha 3D, I can confidently say the real experience lies in the ensuing deja vu that comes from hazily recollecting the familiar pairs of chumbawumbas you’ve likely wanked off to.

Still, at the end of the day the one true question remains: Why the Hell did Buick digitally remove Ving Rhames’ bionic shotgun legs?!?!

Brave (June 22, 2012)

In what can only be assumed to be PIXAR’s intimate look at the plight of the ginger, the animation juggernaut’s latest cash cow enlists as many Scottish actors as possible.  That’s still a hilariously small number.

Unfortunately, the power of Brave was much too insipid to wrestle Sean Connery from the shadows of retirement, which means we’re all still stuck with this as our final impression of Mr. Bond.

Ted (July 13, 2012)

If you thought Mark Wahlberg’s mouth breathing conquest to lock down Mila Kunis’ blue waffle could only be improved through the addition of a pot-smoking teddy bear voiced by Brian Griffin, you’re pretty fucking weird.

Family Guy creator and man of at least three voices, Seth McFarlane, makes his cinematic debut with Ted in what promises to be an endearing look at the rigors of maturation. One can expect this Rembrandtian emotional landscape to fade before their eyes as the soft decrescendo of two best friends quietly wanes into the snows of yesteryear

Or maybe just bongs and dick jokes.

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20, 2012)

After the upswell of critical and public enthusiasm for 2008’s The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan has returned to Gotham City to conclude his Batman trilogy with an appropriately erection-laden title.

Those fearing that Heath Ledger’s iconic performance as the Joker couldn’t be topped can rest easy with Tom Hardy’s Bane, in a hyperrealistic interpretation that rolls professional wrestler, European terrorist, and S&M enthusiast all into one uncomfortable package.  What’s more, this comes with the probable convenience that Bane will somehow be an integral missing piece to Bruce Wayne’s backstory.  I mean this shit’s gotta come full circle right?

Given last summer’s acne covered furor over Catwoman’s “controversial” new look, Anne Hathaway will undoubtedly send fanboys flocking to their comic book forums, hitting Refresh for the latest replies to their 2500 word tirades, all the while incessantly fapping to GIFs of the actress ripped from bootlegged copies of the film’s trailer.  It will be confusing.

The Bourne Legacy (August 3, 2012)


“There was never just one.”

Well how many were there then?  Is this technically a reboot?  What have you done with Matt Damon?  How long has Treadstone been around?  And where all the white women at?

He’s far from Will Hunting, but Jeremy Renner seems like a solid replacement for the series. He should be plenty serviceable when it comes to breaking noses with the butts of illegally-acquired firearms.

The jury’s still out on whether the previous films’ trademark headache shaky cam will return to vomit-inducing form.  But I did see Ultimatum in theaters, and I can promise you that a popcorn bucket doubles as a mean barf bag.  And let’s face it, we can all appreciate a good deal when we see one.

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2 responses

9 05 2012
Blake

Best thing I’ve ever read.

27 08 2012
Your Superficial Fall 2012 Preview «

[…] or not anyone asked for it, I served up this summer’s hits and misses back in May. Now that this seemingly endless ejaculate of reboots, superheroes, and superhero reboots has begun […]

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