OW: What Happened To The King?

2 05 2012

Following a less than satisfactory lunch pit stop this afternoon I decided to aim my weekly hump day rage at McDonald’s younger brother with a learning disability: Burger King. The first and foremost question I want answered is evident in the title of this post. What happened to The King? Or as yah boy Birdman put it, “brrrrrrrrr, what happened to that boy?” Honestly, it beats the hell out of me. Sure, sure I get it, advertising campaigns come and go, he probably just got phased out. But seriously this was like the best ad campaign BK has had in a long ass time. On one hand he was creepy as shit. On the other, he was bling’ed out and if i remember right, had his own video game for XBox 360. Talk about one upping the tits out of Happy Meals.

“Hey billy what’d you get in your BK Kid’s Meal?”

“Oh nothing, just a VIDEO GAME FOR XBOX. What’d you get in your Happy Meal, Stevie?”

“What? Oh just this uber badass rubber alien from Lilo & Stitch with wheels on the bottom of it…”

You get the idea. BK was on their GAME in 06.

Now don’t get me wrong, in my eyes Burger King has always been a moderately inferior fast food chain. Like on road trips and shit as a kid when Mama McGriddle would list out the restaurants at the next stop and Burger King was mentioned it’d always be a collective, “lick a nut mom, how about Taco Bell or Wendy’s?” from the backseat. Since then I’ve continued to only go to BK if, A. I haven’t been there in a long time and feel like a vicious case of diarrhea or B. I’m drunk as shit.

Like take this recent visit to BK for example. Myself, 5Piece and a couple other buddies hit BK in Des Moines, IA amidst a massive road trip home from Vegas. First off, the place looked the manager hired Ralph Wiggum to keep the place clean. Shit everywhere and it was 10am. 5Piece, having not eaten Burger King breakfast in a while, asked the cashier a question about the ingredients in one of their breakfast burritos. Cashier responded with, “ahhh, I have no clue, sorry”. Perfect. Fuck me right? Well, long story short the breakfast tasted like a slice of John Goodman’s ass and I yaked about 12 minutes later. Still hungover from Vegas? Maybe. Weak ass breakfast menu? Definitely.

Since then BK has done like a total 360 degree makeover of their menu. Weird though, it looks pretty much exactly like McDonald’s previously re-vamped menu. Chopped salads and chicken “fresh” sandwiches and fruit smoothies and frappes out the ass. EXACTLY what I’m looking to order at a fast food restaurant. “Yeah I’ll take a whopper and do you have any apple and cranberry cobb seasonal salads under 300 calories?” Jesus H, I clearly wouldn’t be in the BK drive through if I actually cared about healthy eating. And the thing is that since McDonald’s was first to change over to all these healthy options I don’t mind ordering a “healthy” menu item from them. That yogurt parfait is just scrumptious! Seriously though BK, easy on the copy cat strategy.

Then, out of the blue BK launches this new ad campaign JAM PACKED with celebrities. As if David Beckham’s glorious eyes are going to distract me from noticing Guadalupe in the back ladling some frozen concentrate into a blender WHILE simultaneously convincing me David Beckham himself hand picked each strawberry that went into my smoothie with his weiner. It’s just blatant overkill. Then my favorite of the commercials, featuring the Queen of R&B, Mary J. Blige singing about chicken, got pulled. Something about it being racist or licensing issues or something, I wasn’t paying attention. Last night randomly I saw the one with Salma Hayek. Schwing! I take back EVERYTHING I said. Titties! Just playing. BK get your shit together. Bring back The King, and stop thinking that Steven Tyler singing Janie’s Got A Gun through the drive through is going to convince America your burgers aren’t in like sixth place on the fast food best burger board.

 

-JD

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