Meet TODM’s New Movie Critic

30 04 2012

I’m seriously embarrassed I didn’t include Gene Shalit in Best Mustaches in the Biz.

 

Few weeks ago I’m sitting at the Mime headquarters reviewing our 2012 Q1 numbers and I realize we’re hemorrhaging money. I checked with our Director of Accounting to see why the hell we’re losing money when I specifically told him to set up numerous off-shore Ponzi schemes so we’re consistently in the green. Turns out we don’t even have a Director of Accounting. I guess the dude I thought was crunching our numbers was just a Tupac hologram. Weird stuff.

Anyways, I realized we’ve got to keep adapting, similar to a creature on the Galapagos Islands. What’s that old saying again? If you don’t evolve you instantly die a horribly painful death? Sounds right to me. Well the Mime needs a change up. Little switcheroo to keep the people wanting more. I mean we’re quickly approaching our 4 month anniversary and so far we’ve covered quite a bit of ground. So far we nailed the following topics: Aunt Becky, mutton chops, Sunny D, Honey Baked Hams, Geico commercials, Ford Aerostars, and a thorough examination of why Lebron is a douche. What could we have possibly missed? Then it hit me. MOVIES. I mean people love movies, right? All I hear these days is, “oh em gee, Hunger Games ruled dick” or “Have you seen The Five Year Engagement? Suchhhh a feel good movie. I cried, I laughed, I got an erection.”

So first I’m thinking, lets pirate the fuck out of movies still in theaters and sell the illegal DVDs to college kids on spring break in Mexico. Well after a little research it turns out that strategy is incredibly dangerous. I asked Jeeves and the chances of getting murdered in Mexico these days are like 100%. So I pulled some strings and did the next best thing; I hired a movie critic! And not just any movie critic, this guy:

I know what you’re thinking, to quote David Guetta, “damn that’s a sexy bitch”. Trust me, sexy mustaches are literally the only qualification needed to get this job. It just also happens that this guy’s movie reviews are so spectacular they make Ebert and Roper shit themselves. Simultaneously. Talk about badass, right?

So all you movie buffs out there, be sure to tune in weekly to get the 4-1-1 on all things movie related. Help me welcome The Mime’s newest member – Kleinz 57.

 

-JD

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