Rough Draft

26 04 2012

Nothing draft related will ever top the Racial Draft.

 

That magical day is upon us y’all. A day when families ’round the globe huddle around their televisions to watch their favorite team try and not pull a Minnesota Vikings circa 2003. A glorious day when its totally cool for a select few dudes to rock baseball caps with a full suit. Which, by the way, is a badass look. I wish it wasn’t reserved for elite athletes getting drafted by professional sports teams. Eff it. Next job interview I’m going to rock a Jacksonville Jaguars cap.

If you’re at all like me, you muscle through the first round live and after that, switch over to see what crazy shenanigans Mike Rowe is getting himself into on a re run of Dirty Jobs while following online. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the importance of this day. It can make or break your franchise’s success for years to come. Look at the aforementioned MN Vikings. Usually (besides AP) they draft like fucking idiots. So naturally this day always begs the question, is your team going to swan dive off the proverbial deep end and draft Akili Smith or punch themselves a one way ticket to the next Super Bowl with Tom Brady in the sixth round? You never know. That’s the fun of it! On the real though, its no mystery that JD is a Packers fan. Teddy Thompson n Co. have been straight euthanizing the draft since ’74. So usually, I don’t have much to worry about. Just too busy building championship caliber teams on draft day more effectively than even Shawn Zobel could’ve predicted.

So I realized I needed to spice things up a little bit. Take matters into my own hands to make the NFL Draft more exciting. That’s right, you guessed it. Another NFL Draft drinking game. “Ohhh JD you’re such a predictable douche hole. Why don’t you go eat a lemonade stand filled with dongs.” Maybe I will. In the mean time, try this one out for size.

First, you’re going to need some supplies. If you’re like me, and are really looking to get ham-boned, pick up the following:

1 Smirnoff Ice Party Pack

6 Steel Reserve Tall Boys

A carton of Parliament Lights

Liter of Phillips Hot 100

1 stray cat

Now make sure all of these are within arms reach, flip on the Draft and follow these simple rules:

1 sip of Steel reserve for every time Roger Goodell says “selected”, any time Chris Berman says “on the clock”, any time a player hugs his mom or any time the camera pans to a dude in a Colts jersey.

1 shot of Hot 100 OR burn down a parliament every time the camera pans to a player who was invited to be there but hasn’t been picked yet and was expecting to go earlier.

Chug a Smirnoff Ice: if AT&T commercial comes on, if Adam Schefter speaks out of one side of his mouth like he always does, any time the Browns make a pick OR if any team hasn’t entered their pick yet and there is less than 30 seconds on the clock.

Punch the stray cat if: a drafted player puts on a hat.

 

If you survive the entire first day of coverage you my friend are a legend and a scholar and have a stomach made of titanium. I say that last part only because that Phillips Hot 100 is seriously like drinking lighter fluid. Just leaves your digestive tract in worse shape than Vienna, Austria post Kristallnacht (too soon?). What I’m driving at is that stuff…it’s, ahh, rough on your intestines.

Anyways, hoist up those brews and toast one to the Draft. Good luck to Roger Goodell on not getting booed like a mo fugga.

 

-JD

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