The Ultimate Company

2 04 2012

So I was in the office the other day when JD McKillinit gave me a very tough assignment. My goal was to create the Ultimate Company, loosely based off of this multibillion blogging operation we got going here. I assume this Ultimate Company makes and sells retro basketball jerseys and Andre Nickatina cds, so keep that in mind.


CEO: Gordon Gekko

At the top, we need the best. This cat knows how to cut deals and doesn’t take no for an answer. This type of leadership and swag will get this company where it needs to be, and more.

CMO: Don Draper

I know he usually sticks his hand in the advertising game, but he can get a little weird with some marketing as well. Gotta keep the swag at the top to set an example for the others.

Vice President: Al Gore

Just getting shit done on his own terms. His “I Don’t Give a Fuck” mentality is just what we are looking for. Plus finally capturing ManBearPig would be huge publicity for us.

Sales team: Ed Edd and Eddy

Sales is by no means a glamorous job. These three kids go hard for 25 cents just to cop some jawbreakers, so I can imagine they’ll do great things in this position.

Finance Department: Wu Tang Clan

This ones a no brainer. Gotta diversify your bonds.

Accounting: Count von Count

From what I know, Accounting is all about crunching numbers, so I got the best number cruncher in the game.

HR: John Calipari

Simply put, we need to recruit the best for this company. Who better then Coach Cal to get it done?

Assistant: Lloyd

Killing two birds with one stone: Diversity and Gays. Gottem both son.

Reception: Pam Beasley/Erin Hannon

Answering phone calls like a boss. They’re both also kinda hot? So I mean that’s cool.

Legal Team: Robert Kardashian

When things get dicey, we have to be prepared for the worst. If Bobby K saved OJ from the joint, he could help us out big time. Plus Bring Your Daughter to Work Day would equal boners for everyone.

Spokesperson: Billy Mays

When we finally get around to making commercials, you better believe Billy Mays is selling our products. Wouldn’t you buy an Andre Nickatina record is Billy Mays was selling you on it?

Obvious Lesbian in a Managerial role: Angela Ironside

This is just to please the board. Gotta have some sort of female presence, so making her a lesbian won’t distract us from getting shit done.

Web Design: Barney Stinson

Not only do we get a legend on staff, but he once fooled a girl by creating hundreds of web pages for a fake alter ego. True story.

Creative Team: Spongebob and Patrick

When things get sluggish, put these two in a box and send them off to Imagination Land. Great idea swag for days.

PR Department: LeBrons Boys

Even though “The Decision” was the worst PR move in recorded history, I bet they could turn things around for us.

Security Guards: Might Morphin Power Rangers

I don’t foresee any major trouble, so considering these guys can only beat up unarmed dudes, they fit the job description perfectly.

Janitors: Joe Dirt and Janitor from Scrubs

Two of the best in the game, I feel like they could really clean shit up around the office. That is of course if Joe Dirt sticks around long enough.


So there you have it. Top to bottom, this company is loaded. We are guaranteed to be a Fortune 500 company for decades to come. If you were a smart man, I’d invest as much money as you can right now…because we need the cash.

~Green Eggs N Pink Ham




One response

7 08 2012
The Ultimate School «

[…] since we dropped an ‘ultimate’ post. In our past two ultimates, The Ultimate Family and The Ultimate Company, we took a look at the greatest family and greatest company ever assembled. The resulting […]

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