OW: Brocab Nazi on Deadspin

28 03 2012

Did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

Ever since they broke the whole Brett Favre dick sexting scandal, I like to occasionally stop by deadspin.com to peruse a few articles. Mostly in hopes Brett has sent a fresh batch of dong jpegs but also to have a couple laughs, learn about R.A. Dickey’s terrible childhood, whatever.  Generally, I think the fine folks at Deadspin are doing good things. I’m not mad at em for that.

I’ll tell you what I am mad at. Monday’s article by Drew Magary titled “Gentlemen, Please Stop Crushing Vaginas“.

I mean that title alone should leave most Mime readers wondering what this Drew dude’s problem is. Stop crushing vaginas? What?

So I read the article.

Turns out Mr. Magary’s beef is with men using words like ‘crushed’,’killed’, ‘murdered’, etc. as standard verbs. He thinks using those words when referring to eating, drinking or having sex makes one “sound like a dipshit”. Huh. Interesting point of view. Weird how his thoughts on those words kind of make HIM kinda sound like a dipshit.

Here’s his sample conversation from the article intended to make fun of guys who use those words:

BRO #1: Bro, I took that SLUT home last night and I fucking CRUSHED it.

BRO #2: No way, bro!

BRO #1: I CRUSHED some beers, and then I CRUSHED that pussy! I crushed it, and smushed it, and mashed it into a very small pussycube, and then I took it to the pussy recycling plant!

BRO #2: Did you kill it?

BRO #1: I fucking KILLED it! I killed that slut. I took that slut out in the backyard, and shot her right in the head! DEAD SLUT, BRO!

BRO #2: Wait, now I’m confused. Did you kill her or did you actually KILL her?

BRO #1: Fucking SLAYED it, bro! Fucking KILLCRUSHED IT.

BRO #2: Way to murder that vagina, bro!

BRO #1: Fucking hung that pussy from a tree and LYNCHED it!

While I disagree with your point of view, well done. That fake conversation is actually pretty damn hilarious. Definitely going to start using ‘killcrushed’ and ‘pussycube’ from now on, so thanks for those.

Basically what I’m driving at here is this. A ton of dudes use these words for one reason: because they’re awesome to say. Just a great way to assert verbal domination during various points of every day life.

Let’s say I just went to Wendy’s and had a Triple Baconator, XL fry and a Frosty. That’s a monster of a meal. Doesn’t do it justice to say, “Where did I go to lunch? Oh, just Wendy’s. I munched on a Triple Baconator and fries, it was very delectable.” Sounds way lame. Listen, if I spent my lunch break flooring it across town to the nearest Wendy’s, inhaling a Baconator then making it back to the office in time for a 12:45 meeting, I NEED the right to use extreme verbs when describing it later that day.

“Yeah, had some traffic on the way to lunch so I had to JACKHAMMER down my Triple Baconator in 37.6 seconds. Then I freakin EUTHANIZED my Frosty in the car ride back. Shit was so delicious.”

It just works better. Leave the ‘nibbled on’ and ‘I’ll just have a quick taste’ for my Aunt’s tupperware party. We’re men. Most of us live less than intense lives. If drinking an entire Coors Light Home Draft in one night is about as exciting as things get, why shouldn’t we be able to describe it in a badass way?

As for describing sexual intercourse, that’s like the ONE activity where men should definitely be able to use words like ‘crush’ and ‘smash’. I mean power thrusting your member into a chick’s box for 42 seconds straight sounds an awful lot more like ‘smashing’ than ‘slept together’. And women get to use exaggerations all the fucking time. “Oh-em-gee I just had like the BEST SLEEP EVER INVENTED” or “Lindseee, don’t make fun of meeee…I HATE MY LIFE”. Says the daughter of a millionaire driving in an Audi TT.

I don’t see the difference.

Plus its not like we use these words around women. Its three 23 year old dudes talking at the gym, not the Thursday afternoon knitting group at Whispering Oaks Retirement Home.

If you didn’t spend the time finishing the article, Drew wraps things up by saying, “It’s very rare to come across a vagina. They’re very sensitive organs. Protect them. Cherish them. Save them from being crushed and mutilated. They deserve nothing but the best, bro.

Ok, bro. That part about them being ‘very rare’ hits a little too close to home. I’m gonna take that as disrespect. Watch your mouth, and chill on the bro-lingo bashing.

-JD

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