Mike ‘The Rehabilitation’ Sorrentino?

23 03 2012

America loves to hate on The Situation. Guy gets shredded for EVERYTHING he does. Dude shows off his premium washboard abs non-stop, people be hatin. Dude has friends with douchey nicknames, people continue hatin. Dude completely crushes the Roast of Donny Trump, haters be hatin. Dude gets wasted and smashes his face into a concrete wall, peeps keep on hatin.

Here at TODM headquarters, we refuse to hate on Sitch. We’ve been following Sitchnation since day numero uno. Say what you want but the guy is an entertaining ma-fugguh. Shit, without him The Jersey Shore would be boring as hell. Season Four, Episode 12: Deana gets a yeast infection.

So as you can imagine, when the news that our favorite Guido was heading to rehab broke, we were devastated. It couldn’t be? How could such a clean cut legend be addicted to prescription pills? With Sitch in rehab and Schnicks pregnant, is this the end of all things Jersey Shore?

Maybe it’s a publicity stunt for The Jersey Shore Season 6: Snookie’s Baby Learns to GTL?

Then Sitch came clean on Facebook. Rumors were true. Still though, things didn’t quite add up. How can such a mentally tough street soulja also be a pill junkie?

Then the stars aligned in one tremendous realization – he isn’t. BOOM. He’s probably in rehab for another, underlying reason. A reason he couldn’t go public with, so he made up a prescription pill dependency story.

As of yesterday, our team of top secret super-investigators narrowed his addiction down to the following possibilities:

The L in GTL

Any GTL OG knows neglecting any one of the three throws off your whole GTL aura. Could take a couple weeks in rehab to get that GTL balance right.

Banging Snooks

With Snookie all knocked up and off the market his wang is probably going through withdrawals. Nothing a quick month at Serenity Malibu can’t fix.

Grenades OD

Too many ‘nades in the hot tub can be a life altering experience for even the strongest of men.

Juicy Couture Tracksuits

All that sequined velour covering your body 24/7 is the perfect recipe for a sweaty exhaustion meltdown.

Bad Haircut

Maybe Sitch’s barber shaved a veiny dong in his fade. Can’t go out in public lookin like that. Lay low in rehab for a couple years, it’ll grow back.

Sorrentino Family Brawl

Sitch probably realized his brother, Marc ‘The Man’ Sorrentino, had a sweeter nickname than him. Shit probably goes DOWN when there’s a domestic dispute in the Sorretino household.

Drunken Grill-Sesh Gone Wrong

Everyone knows Sitch is resident chef du jour in the Jersey house. Maybe he torched his eyebrows off whilst searing a rack of lamb over the grill at 4am.

There ya have it folks. Mystery solved, Mime style. Let me reiterate this list is about 90% speculation, 10% research backed. And those numbers don’t lie.

Get well soon Sitch.

-JD

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