Where in the World is Peyton Sandiego?

20 03 2012

Gotta love ESPN’s 24/7 coverage of Papa Manning’s quest for a new team. Pretty sure Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen have been constantly comparing who’s undies are damper between takes. Meanwhile Peyton’s just cruising around the country trying to find which team needs a father figure most. First, my inside source said he was going to Miami. Next I hear that Tennessee Titan’s owner Bud Adams has a massive chubby for Peyton. Lately, rumors swirling through the spring breeze indicate Tim Tebow has finally lost his v-card after John Elway popped his butt cherry in a tentative move that sends Timmy Turbo to the trading block and Peyton to Denver.

Looks like it’s John Elway who’s getting Angels in the Outfield-type divine intervention, not Tebow, after all. Guess now would be a pretty decent time to call an audible at the pump-up jam line o scrimmage, Timmy.

Broncos fans everywhere should be lining up to kiss Elway’s pasty ass. Talk about TOTALLY REDEEMING YOURSELF.

For some reason, despite Peyton’s uber-exciting couple of weeks, I realized I don’t really give a flying dick.

Sure, Peyton was is a legendary quarterback. But didn’t he break his neck or something? Not a lot of dudes with broken necks dominating the NFL. I mean these days I’d feel more comfortable if Manning scolded me for blasting a fastball through the neighbor’s garage window than if he was the quarterback of my NFL team.

Maybe that’s because I’ve got this guy.

Who knows.

So while the Americans everywhere perch themselves on the edge of their seats awaiting official word of where Peyton ends up, I started thinking about another person who’s whereabouts we may want to focus our attention on. No, this isn’t a public service announcement about lost children in Bangladesh. Far from it. I’m talking about that sneaky bitch Carmen Sandiego.

Most of you are probably wondering, why care about the location of a fictional global criminal? Uhh, maybe because she’s a stone cold fox? Hat pulled over one eye, all mysterious and shit. Flowing red locks, begging the ‘does the carpet match the pubes?‘ question, over and over again. Tight black turtleneck. Frequently using her international crime to teach children geography. Just a bad girl to the core.

If you remember correctly, she was impossible as tits to find. Only stayed in one place long enough to tease a few wieners, hot piece some precious jewels and silently disappear into the night. Worst part was, she always had a phat crew of street soldiers doing her dirty work. Just something you gotta have if you’re an international crime boss. We’ve all seen American Gangster. Denzel did it right. So did Carmen.

I’m not pissed at her for that. Nay, my bone to pick deals with the names of her criminal compadres. For such a babe-a-licious broad, she sure was a moron. Wait that makes perfect sense. Whatever. Below are some of the names actually used.

Right out of the gate she had her standard illegal activity pun names. Sniffed those out like a bloodhound:

Patty Larceny

M.T. Pockets

Ruth Less

Rob M. Blind – dude was a dick.

Then things started getting a little tricky. A few subliminal messages, a few personal attacks:

Anita Bath – Are you saying my personal hygiene is sub par?

Hal E. Tosis – I’m nine. My diet consists of Fun Dip and Gushers, what do you think my breath smells like?

Ken U. Sparadigm – Seems a little early to be teaching kids how to say ‘fuck you’ to street beggars…

Ivana B. Rich

Joy Ryder

Ken Hartley Reed – C’mon Carmen. It’s called Dyslexia biotch.

Skip N. Skule – Sounded like a dare…

As expected, things slowly headed down the sexual innuendo route real quick:

Tim Tation

Vic the Slick

Ivanna Steele – sounds like Vivid Entertainment’s next Starlet of the Year.

Lou Pole

B.B.D. O’Brien – What could B.B.D. stand for besides big black dick? Boris B. Douche?

Venus H. Pencil – WHAT??

And that’s when Carmen totally loses it. Straight up dumb names out the ass:

“Shaky” Al Lebye

Bob Sled

Mandy Lifeboats

Baron Wasteland

Stu Pidname

Carmen you’re just getting lazy. Pretty sure The Four Seasons Paris is going to see right through all of those. Maybe not Mandy Lifeboats. She sounds hot. Probably could seduce the front desk into a penthouse suite.

As far as we know, Carmen hasn’t been seen in quite some time. Sources say she went on a lesbian rendezvous with her life partner, Rhonda Voo, in the West Indies years ago. Experts believe they were both mauled by bears. Sad Stuff.

Oh and Peyton Manning, have fun with the Broncos. Got some good receivers on that team.

-JD

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