Overreaction Wednesdays: Yapoo!

14 03 2012

As I scoured the interwebs for something to blow the weekly gasket about, I once again found myself drawn to a particular website (search engine? not for me) that prides itself on taking the already loose definition of front page “news” and going Jenna Jameson with it. While Yahoo! did tell me about the deal to clone woolly mammoths (a whole other can of worms that has historically ended in disaster), it seems like every time I hop over there I’m finding out about what some D list celebrity wore to freakin yoga class.”Granddaughter of Elvis to Wed”, “Make flowers last longer”, “Fight over Iconic Barber Poles”, and “Bikini film shoot for Bieber’s Girl” were a few of today’s big boner-inducing headlines (okay maybe that’s just the last one). And that’s a good day. Actually what is going on with the barber poles I wonder? Shit I should probably check that out… And that’s where they getcha. This breed of garbage is so stupid and pointless that I can’t turn away. It’s like watching the dudes from Jersey Shore talk politics or attempting to analyze the themes in a 50 Tyson rap: you’ll feel dumber for the experience, and because of that you’ll probably come back for more. 

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Don’t talk shit about Romney, bro.

I’m not trying to say it’s desirable to only focus on all the “real” news going on worldwide because, let’s face it, most of it is just adding another paragraph to the “shit heap of world problems” wiki. It’s not healthy to to fux wit constantly if you ask me (though nobody did).  But dammit Yahoo, you’ve really got my balls in a spiky vicegrip on this one. While I may not want to know the details every time a Middle Eastern country starts beefin with another, I sure as hell don’t wanna spend my goddamn day trying to avoid clicking on a story about the world’s oldest manatee or how big Rosanne’s latest dump was. But you’re leaving me no choice (and my guess is around 11 inches). See, yahoo, I’m not telling you to stop sucking, (I never do) just try not to suck so damn hard. I wanna read a bullshit story about something that becomes an interesting anecdote, not something that afterwards requires me to take a cold shower and re-evaluate the way I spend my time. Tell me, are your journalists proud of their work? Like, let’s see what that beautiful 4-wide box-o-douchery holds now…Well folks, looks like we got something about Erin Andrews. Never mind, rock on yahoo (but seriously screw you). Peace out.

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