What Are You Gonna Do, Brother?

12 03 2012

Probably not watch your sex tape?

Sometime last week the interwebs was bombarded with reports that a sex tape starring Hulk Hogan surfaced.

Initially I was thinking alright, not really someone on my ‘I hope they make a sex tape’ list but might be worth a look. Could be good for some laughs, who knows. Maybe Hulk is packin a sledgehammer, I guess we’ll find out soon.

A couple days later I’ve kind of changed my mind. Just don’t know if I really want to see Hulk Hogan banging. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of a well done celebrity sex tape every once in a while. Just can’t really get behind WWE sex tapes. Chyna still haunts my dreams. I guess what I’m saying is I’d rather see Hulk power bomb Ric Flair than see Hulk weiner bomb some chick. Some things are just not meant to be seen. One of those things is Hulk Hogan having intercourse.

Quick clear up – Brooke Hogan is a totally different story. She’s 6’4”, but she’s a hot 6’4″

I think the main reason is simple.  He was a childhood icon. Just would be too weird for me. But it got me thinking, man I hope this doesn’t open the floodgates of all my childhood heros releasing sex tapes, one by one. Next thing you know, Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles decides now is a good time to release his three part video series of BDSM techniques. Just not in the mood for that.

As a public service announment type of thing, we’re going to throw out a quick rundown of childhood icons we pray never release a sex tape. Hopefully the people we’re about to list out will see this and decide to burn their collections of coitus infused video footage.

John Madden

Freakin clydesdale of a man. Now here’s a guy who when he’s nude he looks weird.

Steve from Blues Clues

He’d be all, “Hey Blue I found a clue…lemme see that giant magnifying glass.” You know what the clue would be.

Mrs. Doubtfire

I highly doubt she’d have the bedroom fire necessary to make a sex tape. Was that gay? Dammit.

Kazaam

Remember that cribs where they showed Shaq’s bed? Shaq must’ve taken four acetylene torches to the local Mattress Giant. Biggest bed I’ve ever seen. What I’m getting at is Shaq’s too busy being a genie to make sex tapes.

Shari Lewis

I think she’s dead these days. Never can be too sure with the threat of posthumous releases always looming.

Mr. Feeney

Kind of creepy waters were paddling into with this one.

Daggett from Angry Beavers

I’m being told a variety pack of gay porn staring Daggett and his brother Norbert already exists online.

 

Grandma Winslow

We are also recieving word that she is very much dead.

Abominable Snowman

This guy is alive. Alive with an appetite for filming his crazy snowman sex.

Well despite a couple deceased peppered in I think this list was a tremendous success. Everyone’s going to be thanking me after Mrs. Doubtfire reads this bad boy and cancels her webcam session with Mr. Miyagi for later…he’s dead too?

No I knew that one.

 

– JD

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