Overreaction Wednesdays

7 03 2012

As Martin Lawrence said in Bad Boys II, “Ain’t gonna be no fucking handshaking tonight!”

According to numerous news sources, that’s also what the Chief Medical Officer of the British Olympic Athletes demanded. But instead of sexual intercourse with his daughter, he was referring to various forms of human-to-human contact that show sportsmanship at competitive athletic events. That’s right. Dude is essentially telling all British Olympic athletes they aren’t allowed to shake hands during the London 2012 Games.

Apparently, athletes coming down with an illness is a big threat to England’s chances for success at the 2012 Olympics. Along with this no handshaking policy Dr. Ian McCurdie also mentioned that Britain has a medical crew of 450 people who will assist athletes in frequent hand washing and application of a special protective hand foam.

Well toss a ribbon on my dick and call my Randy. This sounds flat out insane for SO many reasons. Not sure if we can cover them all, but hey lets give it a shot.

First let me get this straight. Dr. McCurdie is claiming that the threat of illness is the leading reason why England sucks wang at the summer Olympics? Yeah that’s gotta be it. Certainly it can’t be that the majority of the UK’s athletes are uncoordinated sissies who care more about tea and crumpets and soccer than real sports like Javelin Throwing and Long Jump. I mean England, your tampon infused reputation has been off to a rough start ever since we torched your ass in The Revolutionary War. Exclaiming to the world that your team is so afraid of germs you are going to refuse to shake anyone’s hand is not going to help.

So the article goes on to talk about the precautions that need to be taken in the global village. Basically bitching about how Britain’s athletes have to eat in dining halls with people from over 200 different countries. No shit, Dr. Amazing! Its the fucking Olympic games. Been going on for a while now, not sure if you’re in the loop. I think, if I’m not mistaken, it dates back to when Zeus pwnd Poseidon’s ass in a wrestling match on Mt. Olympus in 20,000 B.C. No? Well something like that. Anyways, to combat this petri dish of cafeteria disease, they developed a super top secret protective hand foam.  Great call. Instead of spending your Olympic dollars on trying to find out how to beat Usain Bolt in the 200m dash via aerodynamics, lets pay some scientists to develop a protective hand solution. Joke’s on Jamaica when they all get the flu!

Seriously though, last I checked, the Olympic Village is a hotbed of the world’s top athletes all getting together and fucking each other’s brains out when they’re not competing for the gold. Check out reports of condom orders out the ass in Vancouver. If you ask me, a phat case of Sudanese AIDS is a little more crippling than a 24 hour stomach bug. Does that special protective hand solution work on a dick? Hopefully…

Next, let’s think about the children for once. The summer Olympics is the ultimate stage for showing sportsmanship. I’d guess it’s not going to be a great look for The Queen when she flips on BBC Sports and sees Sophie Hitchon refuse a handshake after she dominates some bitch in the Hammer Throw (I’d let her toss around my hammer). I mean I guess you could do a Howie Mandel-type fist pound, but let’s be real that looks kinda gay:

Goofy’s all like, “sweet soul patch dickhead.”

Kids across England are going to see their favorite athletes refusing post-competition handshakes and hugs left and right. Who knows, they may resort to bowing at one another like the Japanese. Or ramming each other in the head like Bison. Next thing you know these kids are going to grow up all bamboozled and confoozled. Pretty soon East is going to be West and up is down. Can’t have that shit. We all saw last year’s London Riots. Those crazy delinquents need some structure and discipline. Otherwise, instead of a furniture warehouse in East London that’s burned to the ground its going to be Buckingham Palace. And I know one thing, Kate Middleton’s sweet ass should NOT get torched. That perfect caboose promotes world peace.

Finally, are these athletes allowed to shake hands and shit with their fellow British athletes? Because if not, I can’t wait to see their alternative celebrations, assuming they actually win a couple events. With no hugging and high fiving that’s gotta be difficult as shit. Chest bumping? Head butting? Boner touching? I don’t know how kids celebrate victory these days. I’d like to see a rowing team try that in their boat after a race.

Basically what I’m saying is this. Dr. Ian McCurdie, buddy, loosen your grip on Olympic hand shaking protocol. It really just makes you and your country look like a bunch of germaphobe dickholes. Chances are four pole vaulters from Yugoslavia aren’t going to be releasing the disease from Contagion in tiny vials around the cafeteria. If they do, let me know and I’ll take back everything I just said, on the house.





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