Back In The Day Souffle – Whips

1 03 2012

I can’t seem to figure out exactly what happened to automobiles. Part of the blame lies with the whole green movement.  Another part we can chalk up to dickhead R&D teams at most major auto manufacturers. Whatever is to blame, it sucks. Cars and trucks used to be cool. They used to be weird looking. They used to be inconvenient, no where near technologically advanced and seemingly indestructible. These days I can’t drive two miles without seeing 300 minivan-SUV-station-wagon hybrids cruising the streets. I mean what the fuck is that? Looks like a 2002 Ford Focus buttfucked a Volvo of some kind and they conceived a bi-curious shemale vehicle.

Hey, don’t get me wrong. All this keyless entry, automatic doors, GPS-enabled, voice command shit is great. Guaranteed I take that stuff for granted. There are obviously still some really cool new cars and trucks being made. Just look at the new Silverado or the Lexus LFA-552 from that one badass commercial. Dirt-nasty for sure. Problem is those are what I like to call ‘specialty rides’. By that I mean every day bros aren’t going to be driving them any time soon. When you’re a thousand-aire you just can’t roll like that. Wish I could but I’ve got an image to uphold. Bitches gonna be all suspicious and shit if they see plain old JD rollin up on the block in a fresh 2012 Lex. Start alerting authorities thinking I’m makin my millions off a sex trafficking biz. I can’t afford to have that kind of heat breathing down my slacks.

What I’m getting at is middle of the mall automobiles suck these days. They all look the same. Can’t tell if that’s a Toyota Rav-4 or a Honda Civic Hatchback Sport. Pisses me off kind of. Gone are the days when each car model was distinct, no matter how fugly it was.

Well in a tribute to the beautiful whips of the past, The Mime is cooking up a piping hot souffle of the old school variety. Just another reminder of how badass life used to be.

Back In The Day Souffle – Whips

1990 Volvo 240DL Wagon

One of the original shaggin’ wagons (wood panels paved the way). Dads across America got to moisten suburban underpanties in this bad boy seven days a week. Kiddos loved it too. Hop in that reverse facing back seat, make funny faces at people behind you maybe whip ur sack out. Whatever kids did back then. Plus, if I remember right it was like top safety rated. Triple threat right there.  Shout out to KPMG’s own DLav on this one.

1991 Pontiac Firebird

Feel like this was the poor man’s Corvette. Still looked cool but 5 years later all of them were strewn about in our nation’s trailer parks and Wal-Mart parking lots. Had to include it after I saw that show on TLC about the guy who bangs his car. Shit thats a Monte Carlo, huh? Oh well. Whatever.

1992 Ford Bronco

OJ’s low speed chase kind of tainted the Bronco forever. After that people assumed you slaughtered your wife and her dude on the side if you drove one. Unfair stereotype. Broncos were the bad ass juvie delinquent cousin of the Chevy Suburban. Built for running over endangered species. As a kid I couldn’t even get in to one of these muhfuggas. Too high up for a 6 year old.

1993 Suzuki Sidekick

Wrangler wannabe? Maybe. The Sidekick was way more compact, aerodynamic and stealthy. Like if I’m robbing a Carl’s Jr in 93 you know I’m going to choose this as the get away vehicle. “Did you catch a glimpse of the culprit as he drove away?” “Nope. Just saw some micro machines toy car rolling down the sidewalk. Some kid must have left it there.”

1994 Ford Aerostar

You know Mama McGriddle had one o these on deck. The Rolls Royce of early mini vans. Real talk the family mini van took a beating. Pretty sure thats how it was for everyone. Hop in the back seat on a hot summer day you got a couple melted crayons up your ass, seven partially eaten Happy Meals chillin and four Air Heads arc welded to the seat cushion.

1995 Jeep Cherokee

Lets the world know you’re down for some outdoor activies yet you’e also a badass who won’t hesitate to stab a bitch in his nippie. Like with this vehicle in your possession your possibilities are endless. At the drop of a hat you could gun it to Africa for a safari or glide downtown for a ritzy night out. Either way.

1996 Dodge Neon

No question the lamest sedan anyones ever seen. Weak speed, limited trunk space, bland cloth interior. But these things were goddamn built to last. Like i had a buddy who got in a head on collision with a semi truck at 75mph. Alls that happened were a couple scratches he had to buff out after. Who knew Neon’s were made of forged titanium? No, actually he died a horrible death. Decent whip nonetheless.

1997 VW Eurovan

Any van that has blinds is automatically in. Pretty sure this boss had a fold down table in it too. Just in case you want to get in a quick game of Chutes & Ladders on your morning commute. Unfortunately it had way too many windows to be classified as a rape van.

1998 Dodge Durango

So crispy and oh so clean. Seriously I wonder every day if the hands of Zeus himself designed the original D-Rango. Stuff of wet SUV dreams. Next thing you know Dodge totally changes it into the gayest SUV west of the Atlantic Ocean. Started running stupid ass commercials. Wonder where the Durango’s been? Yeah. I have wondered. Did it transfer to Dicksmooch State for a couple semesters?

1999 Ford Excursion

America wrapped up in a gas guzzling man child of a truck. Wasn’t there a Shaq special edish version? Guys at ford were like, “Ok, the Expedition is big but not nearly big enough.” Boom. Excursion. Not gonna get too far on an excursion of any kind in this beast though, shit got like 4 mpgs straight up.

Honorable Mention –

2001 Pontiac Aztek

It had a FUCKIN TENT that popped out of the back hatch.

2001 Chrysler PT Cruiser

Hey I got an idea! Lets build a car that looks like a hearse the Beach Boys would drive. That way we can transport dead bodies and surfboards at the same time. Surfs up dudes!

Hope y’all enjoyed that trip down memory foam lane. I know I did. Next time you see one of the aforementioned majestic creatures out on the open road, pause for a quick salute. That salute is for all the flaccid wieners driving this.

-JD

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