Overreaction Wednesdays

29 02 2012

Nations united Monday night in a slow, collective, Christmas Story-esque “Ohhhhhh Fuuuuuuck” as they watched a waiter accidentally dump an entire tray of beers on German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

See video below to put your shitty Monday in perspective:

My first thought was, Wow, this guy just committed the ultimate party foul, launching five cold cruisers onto the blazer of one of Germany’s most prominent political figures, and he hardly even flinches with emotion. Stone cold like he didn’t just squeeze a turd onto his future job security. He seems to shrug it off like it’s just another day at the office…like after this he’d head over to Nicolas Sarkozy’s house and smother him in nacho cheese. You just spilled 60 ounces of Schnitzengiggle on the fuckin Head Honcho and you can’t even muster a quick look of shock?

If I had been in this waiter’s position, A-Merk would have had to towel off more than just beer…I would have whizzed on her back in embarrassment. A lifetime supply of Kudos to the guy for keeping his composure. Merkel probably wanted to deport his ass on the spot but she collected herself and decided to smile it off. As far as I know there was no additional news of a post-event castration or tar-and-feathering or whatever it is Germans do these days for punishment, so we can assume the guy was truly forgiven.

That being the case, I have no idea why this was viewed as such a travesty. It’s Germany for Christ’s sake, getting coated in a veneer of hefeweisen is like a fucking aphrodisiac to these people. I’m actually more surprised the two guys sitting next to her didn’t shoot a load in their lederhosen and beg for the next beer bath. At least have a little respect for your heritage and zamboni that shit off the floor. German brews are like elephant tusks man you have to treat those puppies like gold.

Snoopy D O double Gizzle knows the seductive power of the lederhosen.

The media needs to get off this poor bastard’s wienerschnitzel and get back to providing other meaningless, non-newsworthy tidbits. Totally, CNN.com, keep those Costa Concordia updates coming every 14 seconds! We get it, the ship is stranded. Just let me know when I’m a go to toss my flippers on and pillage that bad boy for silver candlesticks and shit.

Prost!

-SR

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