Who Needs Good Role Models?

22 02 2012

What is it with parents these days? All I ever hear about is how the latest generation of youngsters need more ‘good’ role models to look up to. In sports, in music, in movies, in schools and even at home. Parents Moms across the nation are getting their drawz all in a bundle because lately too many ‘clean cut, all American, morally sound’ celebrities are falling from grace and turning out to be the scum of the earth. Apparently SO MANY young, impressionable minds are being darkened by all the terrible people on planet earth.

Thanks, El Tigre.

Thanks to your uncontrollable deviant wiener we’re looking at a generation of sociopaths.

But you know what? I kind of get it. These days all this shit is so much more accessible than it used to be. Like kids can hop on their parent’s iPad and be at a slew of porno sites in the blink of an eye. Back in 97 I had to break through the child lock on MTV and hope that the new Spice Girls video was on. Shit that nip-friendly top Scary Spice was rockin sure got my pants poppin. Anyways the point I’m trying to make isn’t that kids should watch Scary Spice’s nippies (they should though). It’s that parents these days need to ease off the “lack of good role models” platform. You want a good role model? Raise your kid to be just like Tim Tebow. 15 years later he’ll be either kinda-dominating the NFL as a over the top Christian OR working at Crate & Barrel as an over the top Christian. Think JC divinely intervenes on number of dinette sets sold in a one month period like he did in that Broncos-Steelers playoff game? No effin way.

Don’t fret parents. The Mime is here to prove that kids don’t need good role models. In fact, the more TERRIBLE role models, the better. Look at my generation. Grew up with horrible role models to look up to and we’re freakin taking the world by storm!

Check out a few of my childhood heros.

SHAWN KEMP

The Golden Years: Dude straight butt fucked a couple All Star Dunk Contests (got robbed by JR Rider in 94), led the Supersonics to the NBA Finals, was a 6 time All Star.

Since Then: Fathered 7 children with 6 women (maybe even more), multiple arrests for cocaine and marijuana, last seen on a 2009 episode of Pros vs. Joes

KIRBY PUCKETT

The Golden Years: Twins legend. 2 Time World Series Champ. Hall of Fame Inductee. Had the entire state of Minnesota eating out of his ass cheeks for years

Since Then: Groped a couple chicks in a restaurant bathroom. Sexual assault charges. Multiple extra-marital affairs. Morbidly obese. Dead.

COOLIO

The Golden Years: Grammy winner. Jock Jams regular. Star of summer classic, Phat Beach. I think he did Fear Factor one time, which is pretty neat

Since Then: Fathered 6 children with 4 women, convicted felon and crack head, was on Fear Factor once which is still pretty neat

MACAULAY CULKIN

The Golden Years: Biggest child actor on the planet, home invasion thwarting extraordinaire, dude was fuckin Richie Rich.

Since Then: Owner of a variety pack o’ drug misdemeanors, broke off a 9 year relationship with MILA KUNIS, photographed looking like an elderly meth hooker very recently.

RED RANGER FROM MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS

The Golden Years: The coolest mofugga on the planet. In Kindergarten I didn’t know one chick that didn’t want to be all up in his mighty morphin pants.

Since Then: Some dude named Austin St. John. Looks like this. Drives an ambulance (weak shit, I know).

GARY GLITTER

The Golden Years: Brocif made fuckin ‘Rock & Roll Part 2’. Best pump up anthem ever made.

Since Then: Convicted child porn connoisseur and rapist (maybe should’ve seen that one coming with all those sequins?)

MARK MCGWIRE

The Golden Years: Home run legend, American hero, family man and most importantly, creator of the Mark Mcgwire Vortex Power Bat

Since Then: Busted for extensive PED abuse throughout his record setting career. His goddamn highway, Mark McGwire Highway, was changed to Mark Twain Highway, washed up hitting coach with the Cardinals.

 

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

The Golden Years: Global marketing sensation, People magazines most eligible dog bachelor, the face of a generation of mexican canines.

Since Then: Following plummeting sales in 2001, she was canned by T Bell. Sued for being racist. Started snorting kibbles n bits to alleviate his woes. OD’ed in 2009 (Nah, she died of a mini doggy stroke).

MARK CHMURA

The Golden Years: Beast TE for the Packers, led them to two straight Super Bowls, WI ladies man

Since Then: Banged his kid’s 17 year old babysitter at a post prom party. Arrested and forced into retirement. Coaches high school football.

 

See, America? Pretty much all of my childhood heros turned out to be either dead, delinquents, or disappointments. Triple D action out the ass. Disappointing? Kind of. Did it turn me into a petty crime committing street urchin? So far, no. Did I ever consider emulating my heros actions in life? Ahh, yeah every day. I wanted to do steroids with Mark McGwire all day every day in 1997. But I didn’t because I, along with most educated kids, have basic reason and morals.

So all of you worried taint-munch parents should think about easing up on your lack of good role models theories. Your kid will turn out alright. Hey if he doesn’t, blame society’s lack of promising role models. Its clearly their fault.

 

-JD

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