Overreaction Wednesdays

15 02 2012

Happy hump day peebles. This never-ending hell week has hit the mid point and you know what that means. Another installment of Overreaction Wednesdays.

Lets get into it mane…

Todays OW story comes all the way from South Africa. Apparently Latina pop goddess, Shakira, was crushing some nature walk along the beaches of Cape Town, South Africa when she was attacked by a Sea Lion.

I know what you’re thinking, why is Kevin from The Office raping bitches along the coast of South Africa? Unfortunately, I cannot answer that one. Up until a minute ago I thought sea lions balanced beach balls on their noses, swam around and occasionally ate kelp. Didn’t realize mauling hot chicks was on their to do list.

Shakira made the same mistake I did. According to the story, she thought the sea lions were “cute” and got down real close for an intimate petting/baby talking session. Shortly after that, one of the sea lions jumped out of the water and started roaring (these things can roar like real lions??) and trying to bite her. Suddenly, her brother, who she refers to as “Super Tony” jumps in and saves her life from the vicious beasts. After a minute the vicious lion retreated back into the water.

Initially, I got a little fed up with the sea lion. Talk about overreaction. You got a goddamn Colombian fire house, probably in a tiny  bikini lookin hot as hell, right up in your grill. I can think of about 25 moves you should’ve made instead of ‘roaring’ and trying to eat her face off. How bout an inadvertent boobie swipe? Maybe knock her into the water and cop a quick ass grab? Put your arm around her and pose for a few pics? Whip your giant sea lion dong out and show off a bit? Cmon big fella. Can’t be attacking hotties, thats rule numero uno. Just ask Chris Breezy.

Naturally, as any dude would do, I check real quick to see what kind of damage actually happened to Shakira. Is that perfect ass still intact? Will I ever be able to beat off to her again??

Boom.

I mean, seriously Shakira?

I know you’re – A. a girl B. a celebrity C. a girl, but holy balls how did this make national news? Is this how slow of a news day it is? Like I’ve had worse injuries from eating too much Taco Bell (cheesy potatoes fork snaps in half and scratches my finger…or bloody butt hole, whichever you prefer).

Shit, that sea lion’s overreaction makes more sense now. Probably had some crazy sea lion spidey sense, sensed Shakira was a wimpy biotch and decided to teach her a lesson. Here I am thinking all chicks from Colombia are hardcore drug cartel bitches, muling cocaine to the states and blowing Pablo Escobar on the weekends. Goddamn Hollywood.

There ya have it. Another OW in the books. Sorry You’re welcome this one sucked rocked so much. Promise next weeks will be slightly better.

-JD

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