Overreaction Wednesdays

8 02 2012

Welcome to the first ever Overreaction Wednesday brought to you, of course, by the squadron at The Off Duty Mime.

Here’s how Overreaction Wednesdays are gonna go down. Every day in this great nation we’re bombarded with various news stories. Some of them are refreshing examples of why I still have faith in humanity. Most are ridiculous examples of how the Mayans should’ve cut a few years off their predictions and ended this bitch in 2000. So as a toast to America’s abundance of redonk news TODM will showcase a story in which someone overreacted and then, in turn, completely overreact during our analysis. Sounds like fun, huh? No? Well SHUT THE FUCK UP!! See what I did there? Yep, overreacted.

Remember when Christian Bale overreacted?

Family Guy spin on a classic overreaction.

Today’s OW overreaction comes straight from our nation’s capital aka Disney World for the homeless. According to my 4th favorite online news source, msnbc.com, two Washington DC area parents are being charged in a court of law because their children have been late to school so often.  Apparently it falls under Virginia’s truancy code and if found guilty, they both face a misdemeanor.

Naturally, at first I only skimmed the headline and first couple sentences of that story. Not because I don’t appreciate the fine writings of Erika Gonzalez, who by the way is a weird read-you-congressional-hearings-while-we-bang kinda hot, but because that’s all I need to know to start an old fashioned rant.

First I’m thinkin, goddamn, Principle Uptight McQueer is taking these parents to court because their kids are late every once in a while?? I bet the Mom is working double jobs, Dad is probably a pilot and never home, and they probably live 6 counties from the school. What a douche. Like these folks get carried away in shackles because lil Ronnie spends too much time keepin his pimp hand strong after the bell rings. Shit sounds like 20 minutes with Time Out Tony, not hard time for ma and pops.

Overreaction of the year to date? Ahh, yeah. Cops in Virginia assigned to this case are probably punching themselves in the dick.

Then I read the PAINSTAKING rest of this never-ending 300 word novel. Turns out these kids have been late 30 times this year alone. Have there even been 30 days in 2012 yet? I don’t have a calendar, somebody check for me. The article babbles on for a while and eventually says they live a HALF FUCKING MILE from this school. 2 minute drive. Freakin dust off that Huffy and bike for christsake. Eugene from Hey Arnold did it and his bike was built by retards.

As you can imagine, when I read a news story thats a goddamn roller coaster of emotions I took a twelve minute break to gather my shit.

Turns out, despite the evidence piling up that these parents suck at raising kids, I’m going to side with them. Police need to step the fWuck off this couple. Here’s why. The story didn’t say the kids were ABSENT, it said they were TARDY. So the problem isn’t the parents lack of motivation to get their children to the learning station every morning, its one of three things: A. Their alarm clock blows B. They are Amish and drive a horse and carriage C. They’re taking the time to make sure each child gets a healthy, balanced breakfast.

Those are the only options. Whether its twenty minutes late or on time, these bitches are in class every day. At least they didn’t drop out and start huffing Elmer’s behind the 7Eleven. Ha, ha, ha, kids these days don’t do that. Wrong. Read No Turning Back. As if South Africa doesn’t have enough problems.

Freakin Vuvuzelas. That’s their national instrument? I’d rather hear the theme song to Who’s The Boss? played on a conch shell.

Speaking of, conch shells kind of look like a Triceratops pussy right?

I’d put my dick in there.

Regardless, this school should leave the police out of this one and solve it with a simple solution. Next parent teacher conference tell these folks they’re changing the school start time to 15 minutes earlier than what it is. BOOM. Problem solved. The Sheriff’s Department can continue handling triple homicides, while The Mime handles tardy rugrats.

-JD

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