America’s Holidays: Step Yo Game Up

3 02 2012

In the words of Ronnie from Role Models, time to step yo game up America.

No, I’m not talking about upgrading your handheld video game system to the new PSP. Everyone knows handheld gaming reached its pinnacle in 1998 with Gameboy Color. Fuck 3D shit, get me Pokemon Blue and a bag of Andy Capp’s Cheddar Fries.

What I’m talking about is our nation’s holiday situation. Its no mystery that Valentine’s Day is steadily approaching. For the 57 American dudes that JUST started courting some hottie this means spending an assload of money followed by a 27% chance of an awesome bang sesh. For every other dude in a relationship this means having to buy expensive romantic shit for no good reason. For all the single fellers out there this means a swift kick to the crotch from Dave Batista.

Ouch.

Being forward thinkers, the guys at TODM decided to make some noise. That’s right. A completely meaningless and virtually unread blog is going to suggest some better holiday ideas. I mean the world dedicated an entire day to chicks getting romantic shit just because Cupid shot St. Valentine in the dick with his magic arrow for christsake. There’s gotta be way better historical events to celebrate as a nation.

Looks like Hagrid had to pick up a side gig after filming wrapped on that 8th Harry Potter movie.

Anyways, without further ramblings, The Mime presents an unorganized blog of better holidays to celebrate.

Alternate February HolidayMiracle On Ice Day

Yeah, yeah, it was an Olympic semifinal hockey victory, not worth a holiday. Hold up. Let me explain. First off, The Cold War was a load of bullshit. A whole lot of bomb drills and waiting around for the Soviet’s to nuke us. Never happened. America never got a chance to crush some commie ass on the field of battle. The closest we got was assembling a rag tag bunch of YMCA pick up league hockey players, took em to the Olympics and ripped the USSR a fresh butthole.

Here’s my proposal. This epic victory went down on Feb 22. Lets throw this in there so the fellas have a holiday in February. Think of it like a winter 4th of July. Fireworks, sports and blowjobs. Just how the founding fathers envisioned it.

Alternate St. Patty’s Day Holiday – St. People of The Oregon Trail’s Day

Check it. So St. Patrick played his flute and drove all the snakes out of Ireland. Now all of Ireland celebrates his feat by getting absolutely tanked one day in March. I know what you’re thinking. ‘JD, America is the only country that gets hammered on St. Patricks Day. Its not even a big deal over there.’ WRONG. Trust me. They get wasted.

Seems to me the people of the Oregon Trail weren’t so different from St. Patrick. Instead of preaching God’s word and playing the flute they force-fed Natives Christianity and almost drove Bison off the face of the earth (don’t worry, my inside source says there are still plenty of Bison left). All that killing/pushing species to extinction/driving covered wagons must have been brutal. I played The Oregon Trail in grade school. People died from crossing babbling brooks and running low on rations. Those people were fucking PIONEERS. How were they honored? By some lousy, yet awesome game for Apple II computers.

Well I say we change that. Let’s add an American holiday in the name of those who came before us and let us remember them by getting dog-punting drunk.

Celebrity HolidayNicolas Cage Day

The Rock. Face/Off. The Family Man. National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Ghost Rider. Bangkok Dangerous. Drive Angry.

Just wanted to list some of his more notable performances in films. You know how critics refer to the lead singer of Plain White T’s as the songbird of our generation? Well I’d go as far as saying Nick Cage is the film-bird of ANY generation. I watched the original National Treasure and had a fear boner from opening sequence to end credits. Say what you want, this guy knows how to keep viewers on the edge of their seat.

That is why TODM suggests we stop talking about how awesome Nick Cage is and start taking action. Nicolas Cage Day. I’m not going to tell you how or when to celebrate it. You’ll know.

World Uniting HolidayNo More Dinosaurs Day

All I hear about these days is turmoil. Global turmoil. Not Pennzoil. TURMOIL. Nobody on this planet can agree on anything. Freakin jihad out the ass. Well have no fear. The Mime is about to unite the globe real quick. How about we celebrate something we ALL have in common? How about we celebrate the greatest goddamn asteroid to ever hit this planet? Lets hoist some brews, pour out some liquor, and gather hands across the globe to celebrate the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Powerful stuff.

Think about it. If the dinos hadn’t been wiped out by a comet blocking the sun or some crazy shit we’d all be fucked. You saw all three Jurassic Parks. Thank god for majestic helicopter rides. Could anyone imagine living side by side with those creatures? No freakin way. It’s either us or the dinosaurs. In a head-to-head battle I’d probably put my money on them. Sure we have guns and bombs but they have TEETH and CLAWS and even the smallest ones are bigger than Ashton Kutcher’s trailer.

So how about we put down our roadside bombs and Kim Jong-Ils and raise a pint of lager to the end of dinosaurs. We could probably pop this one sometime in June. Seems like a good time for it.

American Legend Holiday – Colonel Sander’s Last Stand

Custer’s Last Stand is so 1800s, am I right? Dude viciously slaughtered a boatload of people and not only did he get a sweet monument in South Dakota, he also got a delicious frozen treat named after him. Son of a bitch.

Colonel Custer might’ve been a sweet dude, but I know of a better Colonel deserving of a holiday all his own. This cat straight up revolutionized the game. The chicken game, the goatee game, the white suit game and the 11 herbs & spices game. All while dampening the panties of countless American honeys.

Colonel Mofuckin Sanders.

Get this legend a holiday. Fuck Columbus Day, all he did was discover the new world. Puh-lease. Any bum on the street could be the first person to sail to America. Try creating a chicken empire from the ground up.

Columbus Day. Colonel Sanders Day.

Now somebody get this hodgepodge of holidays on one of the Presidential Candidate’s platforms. We want CHANGE.

Note: massive historical inaccuracies are of little importance to The Mime.

-JD

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