Then & Now – Hotties or Notties?

31 01 2012

The other day 5 Piece brought up a great point. Everyone always talks about women aging like fine wines and shit. Like there are all these photos of babes from back in the day and they’re somehow hotter now. If that’s even possible. I mean, c’mon, there’s gotta be plenty of chicks who’s looks have taken a sharp turn into a shanty-town of disgust, right? Like a few ladies who’ve gone from a goddess of beauty, to an aging reminder of what used to be. Thank god I’ll never know what that feels like. Me? Yeah I’ve been sailing in the catamaran of mediocrity since the day I was born.

Well when you’re an off duty mime if you get a random thought, you write about it. Don’t think for a second that TODM can’t do a little investigative journalism. Old school style. Uncover some shit, meet some dude in a trench coat in a dark parking structure for some lid blowing info, hack into some databases, you know the drill.

Well, the time has come to merge the past and the present, the old and the new, to see just how the ladies of back then have fared in our cut-throat present day. Yes, a day where one minute you’re cute Heidi from The Hills, the next you’re a swollen menstrual robot married to the lord of all douches.

Hop aboard y’all, next stop Port of Truth.

First up, Topanga aka Danielle Fishel

THEN: weird name, weird hair, tube top = my re-occuring wet dream [hottie]

NOW: normal name, normal hair, awesome boobies= my re-occuring wet dream [big-time hottie]

Let’s stir the cauldron a bit (see what I did there??)- Sabrina the Teenage Witch aka Melissa Joan Hart

THEN: A lil homespun hottie type. Can’t exactly tell which pussy would be furrier [kinda-hottie]

NOW: MIPLTFDOHLIBSHLK (Mom I’d probably like to fuck depending on how long its been since her last kid) [hottie]

Missin’ you like candy – Mandy Moore

THEN: Compared to Britney, Mandy looked like my Uncle Randy [back of the pack hottie]

NOW: Compared to Mandy, Britney looks like my  Uncle Randy [uber-hottie]

Gotta go a little older – Aunt Becky aka Lori Loughlin

THEN: Thanks to Wake Up San Francisco, that entire state of CA woke up rock hard every day. Unbelievably underrated hottie and number #1 reason why I watched Full House. [hottie]

NOW: Somehow, even hotter. Uncle Jesse didn’t even realize. He was busy tonguing Rebecca Romijn when the, hands down, better Rebecca was right in his face.  [straight blazing hottie]

Nickelodeon OG – Summer Sanders

THEN: I didn’t give a shit if some kid’s secret talent was juggling grilled cheese, I just wanted Summer to get slimed for those premium nippies. [Nick-hottie]

NOW: Don’t get me wrong, she’s keeping it tight. I guess years of covering the WNBA makes even the straightest females look a little butch-zilla [washed up athlete-nottie]

We gotta re-vamp after summer went down hill. Check Karen from Jungle 2 Jungle aka Leelee Sobieski

THEN: Yeah, yeah she was like 12. SO WAS I. And she was a total babe. That face painting scene is about all I rememeber [legally I don’t think I can give her a rating]

NOW: Sheeet. Didn’t know Joan of Arc was capable of making boners happen. Thought she was a martyr and shit. Like dressed like a dude and fought the French kind of gal. I was way off. [hottie]

May need to cool off after that one – Sloane from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off aka Mia Sara

THEN: Pretty sure I got my first mini throbber when I was 7 fast forwarding Ferris Bueller’s Day Off on VHS to the pool scene. [hookey hottie]

NOW: About how I’d expect her to look, plus she cut off the flowing locks and rolled with the cut-the-crust-off-your-PB&J-Mom haircut. Downgrade. [kinda-nottie]

The Mom from 7th Heaven aka Catherine Hicks

THEN: What’s that old 90s saying? “If mama’s got bangs you know she bangs”? Yep. That’s the one. [innocent hottie]

NOW: Its pretty tough to find a super hot 60 year old. Gentlemen, we just did. [grandma hottie]

*I know w’ere going to catch a lot of flack for choosing the Mom out of all the hotties on 7th heaven. Here’s the deal, that’s too easy. I don’t care what anyone says.

Where’s Elaine from Seinfeld aka Julia Louis-Dreyfus at?

THEN: Pretty hot, although when you’re on a show up against Michael Richards and Ben Stiller’s Dad I think Roseanne Barr woulda looked do-able [90s shoulder pads hottie]

NOW: Holy Jerry Seinfeld. Bet he wishes he could re-kindle that fuck buddy relationship from that one episode. Nah, he’s gotta be slamming teenagers still. Dammit Seinfeld. [fine wine hottie]

Alright, how about Ren from Even Stevens aka Chirsty Carlson Romano (MY SISTER WATCHED THE SHOW, RELAX). Chick was kinda weird looking, right?

THEN: Kinda bitchy hot, I guess. Not gonna lie and say my dong never moved while watching the show. [pigtailed kinda-nottie]

NOW: Jesus. She’s freakin gorgeous. [great smile-hottie]

Well, there ya have it America. Just like Wayne and Judith’s showdown, hot chicks win this one. Women do age like fine wines. By women I, of course, mean rich and famous ones. Most normal women start going down hill at age 24. Just kidding ladies! Christina Aguilera was right. You’re all beautiful, no matter what THEY say.

Hey, lets check in on rich and famous dudes real quick.

Buzz from Home Alone aka Devin Ratray, how have the years been to you?

THEN: Massive tool, but that blow-out flat top would make Pauly D proud [Douche]

NOW: Holy fat man, bat man. Buzz, your girlfr…you…woof. [Fat-Douche]

Enough said.

-JD

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