Occupy deez nuts. Seriously, hipsters, give it a try. Bet you last 14 seconds protesting Justin Beiber’s baby dong in that sweaty space suit.
So, word on the street is that Occupy Wall Street is slowly grinding to a halt. My inside source on Wall Street said there were 3 measly protesters out there the other day. Three. Still hoping their dreadlocks and Blind Melon acoustic sessions will topple gigantic corporations.
Now that this ube-retarded movement is almost over there’s going to be a lot of hipster rebels looking to bitch about something. Well today is your lucky day. Today The Off Duty Mime presents Occupy This: A Collection of Way Better Shit To Protest.
I sure hope so.
How about a couple dozen of you kick things off by heading over to Pitbull’s house? That motherfucker has been annoying the shit out of America since 2004’s Culo. Stage some peaceful sit ins, throw molotov cocktails through his bedroom window, I don’t know how you guys roll. Just get him off the radio ASAP.
Can’t blame him for chubbin there, though. Next time, flip er up into your waistband BEFORE JLo grinds all up on you. Problem solved.
Next, start some mother effin riots at David Stern’s winter home, most likely in Miami, where all the Jews go for vacation in the winter.
Get this douche out of the NBA. Guy should be working for H&R Block preparing my W2s right now instead of sitting on his throne made of Spalding basketballs up in the clouds abusing the tits out of his power.
Now, we’re going to need a couple hundred of the most muscular hipsters (I know, that’s like asking for the least annoying member of The View) for this protest. That’s right, I’m talking about GNC.
I’d rather go shopping in Bath & Body Works for 48 hours straight than spend 15 minutes in a GNC. All I’m trying to buy is a small jug of protein powder for the 2 times I work out each month. “Hey, I see you’re grabbing the 100% whey, you know if you upgrade to this 45 lb jug its only $14 dollars more and it works WAYY better bro.” Nope. Don’t want to fucking upgrade. If I wanted that 45 lb jug it would be IN MY FUCKING HANDS RIGHT NOW.
C’mon hipsters, help a dude out.
After every single person that goes to protest GNC shoots themselves in the face because it’s like talking to a brick wall, gather a new crew and stop at Animal Planet headquarters to protest Finding Bigfoot.
Quick newsflash dudes. If this ‘Big Foot’ actually exists then the guy is one sneaky and elusive beast. Like hundreds of years of searching and all we have is some grainy video of a dude in a gorilla costume in the woods behind a Staples in rural Arkansas. Chances are some queer with a headlamp and a tape measure isn’t going to crack this case open and suddenly stumble upon Big Foot roasting weenies over a camp fire.
Get some protesters to get this show, and Ghost Hunters for that matter, off the damn air.
Papa John Schnatter
Set up a tent village outside his house protesting all his god awful commercials. Schnatter? That’s your last name? When I was a kid I always thought Papa John was some mario bros like Italian dude named Gianni Pizzaria or something. Turns out its Schnatter. And instead of a cool old school Italian he’s a flaming German who can’t throw a football.
This next protest could get tricky. Fly to wherever the Merriam-Webster dictionary is and protest until they eliminate the word ‘buffering’ from the english language. Word just sucks. Ruins so many beat sessions I lost count.
Just eliminate it. Simple as that. I don’t care what it is replaced with. Whatever it is has to be better than buffering.
Finally, if those protest juices are still flowing strong we’ve got one final request. Go find Kate Beckinsale’s agent and do a sit in outside his/her office. Don’t leave until Kate’s career is resurrected.
These Underworld movies must just be killing it at the box office because I can’t find any other reasonable explanation of why such a smoking hot babe would transform herself to look like fucking Snape from Harry Potter for one movie and its 17 sequels. Literally the last movie I remember seeing Kate Beckinsale in her natural ‘girl next door that might also blow you in the tool shed’ look was Click.
That was like 6 years ago! Fuck.
Anyways. That’s all we got for now Occupy Wall Street. More to come later. In the mean time you all clearly have ample time to start protesting things that actually matter.
Now go out there and be somebody!