Back In The Day Buffet – Of Commercials

17 01 2012

Commercials are like kittens. The first time I see one I think ‘alright, that’s kind of cute’, then I see it again and I’m like ‘ok, still pretty tolerable…’ By time number 45 I’m ready to head out back and show that full grown cat what a chainsaw feels like. But then years later I think, ‘jeez remember that cute little cat I viciously murdered? He sure was a fuzzy little dude…’

I swear each month ESPN gets a list of 5 commercials they can play so they just pepper them in on repeat during every sports broadcast. “Do you guys know how to post videos to Facebook?”, anyone? Yeah, Yeah I get it, the fact I’m talking about it means the advertising gurus who thought up that ass-storm of a commercial won. Wrong. My balls were already in AT&T’s vice grip looong before that ad campaign. I mean how has someone not savagely beaten Flo from Progressive yet? Chick is the WORST. I’ve honestly heard people asking the would you bang Flo question. Seriously? I’d rather get dome from the Geico Gecko. Even better, how bout this chocolate babe from that one State Farm commercial?

BOOM!

So, back to the lame kitten analogy I made earlier. All these garbage commercials got me thinking about old school ads. I mean, if sports uniforms, music and television can sample old school shit why can’t commercials? Do us all a favor and pepper in some Budweiser classics so I don’t fall asleep for the rest of the NFL playoffs. So I cruised the web for a quick minute and drummed up some throwbacks.

Simple advertising platform + brilliant 90s acting. Pure gold. – “Hey Dad get off my dick about this cereal! They’re called Apple Jacks and I don’t have a logical answer for why they taste nothing like apples but I friggin can’t stop eating them with all my buddies in this garage.”

Funny enough, I did an experiment back in the day and discovered that Apple Jacks taste literally the exact same as the orange and green Fruit Loops. Felt like effin Ben Franklin in a lightning storm after that breakthrough.

Then I started thinking, even better commercials are the ones whose anthems I can recite 15 years later. Can you say Pizza Bagels?

I’ve listened to that right around 15 times and still can’t figure out if Ore Ida had Scott Stapp drop the vocals. Gotta love the roller hockey action shots too. On the real, this commercial straight WORKED. “Hey, umm, Mom? Get goddamn Pizza Bagels.”

Here’s another hall of fame commercial. Song is so similar to the Pizza Bagels song, yet so different. Sock all day and bop all night? Yes, please. More fun than a pillow fight? Check. Another golden 90s jingle.

These shits were in reality, dangerous as shit though. Had a buddy’s socker bopper deflate mid-punch. Broken nose city. Freakin hilarious stuff.

While the Socker Boppers commercial failed to convey the dangers of non-stop use, this next commercial laid everything out in picture perfect clarity all while singing a fun, easy to learn song! Anybody try one of these lately? Still taste awesome, like bottled fruity flavored stripper nipples…

I’m still trying to figure out what the deal was with adults back then. Fuckers couldn’t understand why their kids liked all this bomb ass cereal. First it was the incessant questioning of why Apple Jacks, next thing you know idiots like this weatherman can’t see the damn cinnamon swirls. Dude! They’re right there.

By now everyone who read this is probably thinking, JD McLamedude, these are all awesome commercials for KIDS. Big difference between an auto insurance ad and a candy ad. To that, I once again have nothing to say. You’re probably all right on point with that. All I’m trying to say is these commercials straight ruled the airwaves. Great jingles, great visuals, hot Moms, hot Dads, hot kids, delicious cereals. So I’ll end by saying this. America, get your advertising shit together. I understand every commercial can’t be good, but for christsake cool it with the Geico Caveman vs. Brian Orakpo scrabble matches.

Oh, and enjoy this incredibly sexual Super-Soaker commercial…

-JD

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